Ever have one of those days…you know, where it seems like every time you turn around you’re running smack dab into something that God is putting His finger on? That thing that has been bugging you forever, that you long to be free from…and yet, you just can’t seem to let go of it no matter how hard you try? And truth be told…often don’t want to because it just feels good to keep a death grip on it?
Here’s how my day went:
- Woke up, realized I’d had a dream about someone that has been a thorn in my side for a very long time. This person said to me, in my dream, “We really need to talk”…and I replied “It’s not the right time”. I then proceeded to be mad (in my dream) that this person was in my dream to begin with.
- A few hours later, a book (one of several that I’m expecting any day now) that I had ordered just two days ago arrives. The title? Becoming a Woman Who Loves. It occurs to me that I am actually supposed to love this thorn. And it’s no coincidence that I had that dream last night.
- I get a message on Facebook regarding a prayer request I had posted for a friend who needs healing. The person wanted me to call them back to pray over the phone, gave a phone number and reminded me that I can use *67 to block my number. I felt comfortable with that and planned to call later on, after my night and weekend minutes kick in.
- My morning devotion time once again alluded to something I don’t want to do…something along the lines of Jonah. The Thorn may have something to do with that as well.
So, I call the person from Facebook and have a very interesting conversation about Biblical healing. He prays for my friend, who is supposed to have kidney surgery soon…but I’m believing she is healed in Jesus’ name. Then we get to me…to MY issues…to the unforgiveness and bitterness in my heart that I am still trying to deal with…how did this perfect stranger even know? God speaks…he listened…I was humbled and ashamed.
I suppose an analysis of my dream would reveal that it is indeed (still) time to deal with this issue, yet I am resisting with all I have. And I was really irate in my dream! How dare that person show up in my dream? And have the audacity to talk to me? The nerve…
I know that I simply must forgive and move on…leave whatever may be in God’s hands. It’s not worth it, really, to harbor all that ugliness…it comes out in ways I am so not proud of. It affects my relationships with the ones I love the most. It consumes me some days. Elohim, please, give me grace! Help me to let this go…again…but for good this time. And please, don’t test me too soon. You know what happened the last time…which is part of the reason I’ve had so much trouble letting go again.
Death grip…what a fitting description for something that, if left unchecked, can kill your mind, your heart, even your body. Unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment…it’s a cancer, really. It’s time to declare myself cancer-free…Here you go, Lord…it’s all yours!